Hamburger Martyr

I Have Left The Building

2010-09-28T01:38:00.000+01:00

Hi there.

I'm not really here anymore, but if you're so inclined you can find me over here:

Hamburger Martyr

Catch you later, Floppyballs.

Cheryl Cole Has Malaria! Lots Of Pics!!

2010-07-20T13:48:00.000+01:00

Hi.
There aren't many things that are certain in this world, but there's one thing I do know:

PEOPLE LOVE PICTURES!

That's why I'm going to include lots of pictures in my posts now. Starting right this second...

I don't know who this guy is, but dog-GAM-it, he's a suave motherfucker, int he? I don't know if it's the moustache, or that devilish look in his eye that wins me over, but won over I am.

Now, I know you've got your appetite well and truly whetted by that lovely pic of Mister Pouty, so I got some more fo' dat ass right chere:

This is a great little drawing I found somewhere. I'm sorry I don't know who the artiste is. If you are it, please let me know and I'll ~~happily~~ begrudgingly give you credit.

You can never go wrong giving a gun to a monkey.

From monkeys with guns to Easter Bunnies with evil in their hearts...

That year, all the chocolate eggs were filled with rat poison, and instead of Easter hay in our baskets, we had industrial grade fibreglass insulation.

Lastly, but certainly not leastly, I'd like to share with you a little drawing that I did myself in celebration of the release of the amazing, groundbreaking, and technically-perfect iPhone 4.

That's all for now...oh, sorry...I know this post didn't mention poor Cheryl Cole and her malarial infection, but you must admit, there were four pics! That's "lots" in my book!

<3

You Like This. You Like This VERY Much.

2010-07-20T13:04:00.000+01:00

Hello. How are you? It's been a while, I know.

I've changed the look of this shit. What do you think? I knew you'd like it.

Don't get too attached, though. It will probably change again.

LOOK...I never said this shit was anything but a work in progress (even if I never said that, specifically, either), so if you don't like it, go eat a brick.

<3

OI OI OI

2010-05-25T00:04:00.000+01:00

So I'm walking home from my girlfriend's place tonight, just before midnight, when a ways up the road I clock some dude with a bicycle.

Now, I don't know about YOU, but I make a point of not making eye contact with people I see in the street at such a late hour...

Well, as I got closer I hear this: "Oi oi oi!..." (I ignore this.)

Then I hear: "OOOIIIII!!!" (You really have to imagine all of this said in the most retarded sounding voice you could ever have the misfortune of hearing.)

I look up with a gaze of what I hope is a representative mix of extreme hatred and loathing, and hear the immortal question, "Y'have a sig-uh-raaat?" (This is accompanied by a hand motion imitating the use of said sig-uh-raaat. Like I wouldn't have a clue what a sig-uh-raaat IS. What a dick.)

In what I hope was my most hatefully dismissive tone, I say, "I don't." The fuckhole looked away before he even heard my answer, which leads me to believe that maybe my eyes actually glowed red when I looked at him. Didn't even get a "Thanks, mate!" or anything.

As I ponder this encounter, I think: I'm already paying the taxes which allow you, dear fuckhole, to hang around on the streets at midnight with your equally despicable friends, safe in the knowledge that you don't have to do anything ridiculous like actually have a job and maybe contribute to society in some small fashion, and you're asking me for a sig-uh-raaat?? I wouldn't give you a sig-uh-raaat if I DID have one.

But then it dawns on me. I'm looking at this with completely the wrong attitude...

I should do this town, and the world, a service. I should start carrying sig-uh-raaats around with me, so when these wastes of sperm and egg ask for one, I can cheerily say, "Here you go, my friend, smoke up! Smoke like the wind! Fill your lungs with that sweet tar and nicotine! Die as soon as you can, mate!"

The Nobel Fucking Peace Prize is mine.

I Hate Having My Picture Taken, But I Don't Have A Problem With Google Street View

2010-03-25T20:11:00.000Z

There's entirely too much debate going on about Google's new Street View facility. What, exactly, is the problem?

Here are a few reasons why people need to stop complaining:

1. If you've been caught through the open curtains on your front window parading naked through the room, you are an attention-whore and you should be happy millions can now see you.

2. If you've been caught entering a sex shop and you're so ashamed you actually contact Google to remove the image, perhaps you should be thinking about your motivations in the first place.

3. If you've been caught on film vomiting in your city centre, stop drinking so much you chav bastard/slag.

4. If you've been caught in the middle of committing a crime...good! I hope you smiled real pretty for the camera.

5. If you've been caught sticking a pineapple up your....hold on, I'm fucking laughing my goddamned ass off right now. I've just seen a blog that has listed a "CON" of Street View thusly:

"-can capture private or criminal moments (ex. leaning over and exposing underwear, drug deal, house burning down, walking out of adult video store)"

This person then summarises their "CONS" list by saying Street View "can invade privacy". I'm sorry, you ignorant shit, but if you're dealing drugs or committing some other crime (drug dealing is still a crime, right?), then you have forsaken any rights to privacy you previously held. When you eventually get caught and sent to prison, do you think you'll be taken seriously when you say to your cellmate, "Not tonight, Antoine, I need a little 'private time'." Look...Antoine is gonna make you his bitch, so forget about privacy, asshole. Pun intended.

Now...where was I?...

No wait...street view can capture a "house burning down"? Yeah, it's true. Seems a bit sad that the Google camera crew actually took pictures of that. But wait! This could be a wonderful thing! If the reason the house is on fire is arson, the Google team might capture an image of the twisted firestarter making his getaway. Oh sorry...that would be an invasion of his or her privacy, according to this person.

Now, listen up. I'm as liberal as anyone really should be. I think people can do anything they like, until they infringe on another person's human rights (and I mean "human rights" in the most universal sense). Once you've intentionally and unequivocably committed a crime against another person, that's it. All bets are off. You are a lonesome fugitive and should not only be shunned by society, but actively hunted down and made to pay for your crime(s). None of this "out on bail" bullshit.

So anyway...what were we talking about?

Oh yeah...Google Street View. Pretty neat.

Alex Chilton R.I.P.

2010-03-22T01:54:00.000Z

I just felt I wanted to say "goodbye"...

Thank you, Alex.

Put something on the end of it!

2010-03-17T20:01:00.001Z

Today, I'd like to feature a guest post from brainwashable.com. His public health poster is priceless.

Put something on the end of it!

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Hands Up! Who Wants To Die?!?!?

2010-03-10T12:34:00.000Z

I Have A Job, Thanks

2010-03-09T11:40:00.000Z

Why, for fuck's sake, do water and gas companies schedule work to be done at the most inopportune times?

A couple weeks ago, I was in the shower getting ready to go to work and the water company shut the water off to install a new meter. (Do NOT get me started on that, because ever since they installed the meter my water pressure has been all over the place.)

Then, yesterday, the gas company sent a guy out to install a new gas meter. When did they send him? At around 10 minutes to 9, just when I'm trying to get out the door to go to work.

Now, general consensus is that most people 'round these parts don't work for a living, so companies don't concern themselves with when they should schedule works to be carried out. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't fucking sit around all day just waiting for my door buzzer to go off. I have a job, thanks.

Here's today's big FUCK YOU, especially for the local gas and water companies:

Now...tell the truth...you like that, don't you?

Hi There

2010-03-03T16:07:00.000Z

Hi. I'm going to try and keep this blog as un-anonymous as possible, although I don't know if I'll succeed because I'm a practising misanthrope and an intensely private person. I just like the idea of having my own little corner to piss and shit in.

The picture in the ABOUT ME section is obviously not me (EDIT 25-03-2010: It is me now.)(EDIT 25-05-2010: It's not me again. Well, basically it is me.), but if I happen to find or take a picture that I'm happy showing on here, then I will upload it. The world holds its breath.

Anyway, I think I'll be going for now. Hope to see you soon. Or not.